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| Sharon Wren lives in East Moline, Illinois and is no stranger to writing. She has produced regular columns for the Topsail Advertiser (newspaper), Generation Woman (WWW), as well as Suite 101 (WWW), where she is also the humor and satire editor. |
Laughter Loaf Columnist
| Sometime in the month of September, 2001 I am going to give birth to my second son. At the rate things are going, I may give birth in prison because if one more person asks one more stupid question, I'm going to strangle him/her. What is it with having a "bun in the oven" that gives people a case of the Galloping Dumbs? Don't get me wrong, I don't mind some of the questions. "When are you due?" is a nice one. So is "do you know if it's a boy or a girl?" But the others…
Q: (upon hearing this is my second boy) Are you going to try again for a girl? Umm, where is it written that kids have to be in matched sets, like salt and pepper shakers? Am I supposed to keep churning them out until I have at least one of each? Forget it - I saw a family on "Oprah" once who had 10 boys and no girls. That would be me, I'm sure of it. Don't forget that somebody has to feed, clothe, educate, bail out of jail and make car insurance payments for said boys. Besides, there are some advantages of having only boys, in my case. I already have a ton of boy clothes, courtesy of his big brother. I know to duck when changing diapers (mamas of boys will understand the Fire Hose Effect). I don't have to worry about anybody wearing my clothes or stealing my makeup. I'll never have to yell, "You're not leaving this house looking like that, Missy!" Q: Are you going to have any more kids? Honestly, the only people who should ask that one are my husband and my gynecologist! And that's only because both of them are involved if I decide to ride the Maternity Merry Go Round again. Look people, I'm only 34 and my doctor already calls me an "older mother" (I would have slapped him, but I don't want to annoy the guy who can arrange for labor drugs). If I have another one, it'll come out when I'm in my late 30s and let's be honest - I don't want to be a mama who naps more often than Baby. That, and I get horrible morning sickness. I swear, if I tried to donate blood right now, all they'd get is Canada Dry. Besides, wouldn't it be nice to let #2 be born before starting in on me about #3? Q: Are you going to: have natural childbirth/give birth at home/breastfeed? What's the matter, isn't Madonna doing anything newsworthy these days? Have people become so desperate since J. Lo and P. Daddy broke up that my post-birth plans are big news? To answer those questions:
Yeah, the next couple weeks are going to be really interesting. Part of me is busy worrying about how my toddler will handle being at Grandma's during this whole thing. Part of me is trying to figure out how far I need to work ahead so I won't have editors pulling out their hair. Part of me is wondering how exactly I'm going to balance a toddler, a newborn, a house and assorted writing projects. And above all these voices rattling in my head is one that comes through loud and clear - I'M READY FOR THIS TO BE OVER! Stay tuned! |